Maybe it’s just me (actually, I’m fairly certain it’s just me), but eating is hilarious. I was thinking about this as I was eating, how ridiculous this must look to someone who doesn’t know what’s going on. I know that someone can’t possibly exist so just imagine the hypothetical with me. You stick something edible in a hole in your head and move your teeth up and down to make that thing into smaller things so it can go inside you. And you sustain yourself this way! I don’t know, it just seems funny to me. Shut up, I realize this is starting to sound ridiculous but this was just what was on my mind when I started and I’m too lazy to delete it all and think of something else.
I bet if we saw something else that wasn’t human or an identifiable animal we’d think it was ridiculous too. Like Cookie Monster. That just looks bizarre when he chows down on those cookies! Okay, so he’s not really eating them so much as he is breaking them in his mouth and letting them fall to the floor, making a horrible mess.
Mmm, I want cookies now.
I’m sorry, this post really sucks. I’m a little depressed about it.
Back when I was much younger, I fancied myself quite the entrepreneur. I devised many ideas and thought they were my tickets to untold wealth. My first scheme came about when I heard that you could turn in cans and get money for it. For weeks, maybe months I searched and saved, filling bag after bag to the brim with discarded cans. When I finally thought I had enough, my dad took me to the place and I sat in the back with my bags, dreaming up all of the toys and games I was going to buy. When we arrived at the place, I eagerly hopped out and unloaded the van’s bounty of aluminum. I think I got maybe three dollars for everything. What a ripoff! I remember being so angry and I think promptly stopped recycling because of that. So, sorry about that, Al Gore.
Sometime later, after a trip to Putt Putt and the arcade afterwards, I noticed the great prizes you could win after accumulating many tickets from games of chance and/or dumb luck, like Skee Ball, or that one where you drop your token in onto the mass of coins and hope that they tip over into the hole and come out, or something. I never understood that one so I never bothered. I figured, “hey, these tickets are worthless on their own, but if I get good enough at these games, I can get enough tickets to cash them in for great prizes, then I will sell those for real money!” There were many fatal flaws with this plan. For one thing, I wasn’t any good at these games. Another, it was like 20 tickets for a piece of old gum. I never came close to the 450,000 needed for that sweet mini-stereo.
Now I am working on my “Get Rich Very Slowly” scheme, which entails exchanging programming work for a monthly paycheck at reasonable rates of pay. It’s not going as fast as I would like.
April tells me I shouldn’t be making posts on this thing during the day, but the problem with that is that I forget to once I get home. I just checked and it doesn’t actually show what time I post it, so it’s not incriminating. I was just doing stuff on my break anyway.
Anyway, since I’m tired and don’t feel like whipping up a rant: what are you guys doing this weekend?
A couple of months ago I really talked a lot of crap to Lauren about how great I was at Dr. Mario and in turn, how not great she must be. This went on for a while and we never got a match going, due to the horrible inconvenience and catastrophe that is online Wii gaming. It turns out this was actually a good thing, for me.
Last week, it was unavoidable as Dr. Mario was turned on when she wanted people to play Monkey Ball, or something. I suffered a devastating defeat. It wasn’t even close. I didn’t even know you could press up to make the pills drop instantly. I wanted to die. It didn’t help that immediately after Matt crushed me in similar fashion. Had April not been with me on the way home, I probably would have driven my car into a tree.
I just thought I would man up to my loss and admit on the world wide web that Lauren Franza is great at Dr. Mario, and I am in turn, not great.
Everybody I have lived with has gotten on me for “wasting cereal”. These stories of my food “waste” have been embellished to ridiculous proportions, raising me to a villainous stature comparable to Jack the Ripper, or the Hamburglar. Please allow me to explain.
The waste in question refers to my refusal to eat the bottom sixth of a box of cereal, because by this point it is inedible. It’s all crumbs at that point. If I were to pour it into my bowl and fill it up with some milk, it would just form a disgusting crumby paste that is hardly appetizing. Cereals that consist of uniform shapes or pieces such as Cheerios or Coooooookie Crisp are usually spared from this fate, but for more flimsy cereals like Corn Flakes? Forget it!
Because of this, the box usually ends up thrown away, much to the shagrin of any onlookers. I must assure you that this amount is fairly trivial, though it is greatly exaggerated at every retelling of the complaint, with “bottom half of the box” being the largest, and most ludicrous, claim. Dear friends, this is not true! People make it sound like I am throwing away whole, delicious, cooked turkeys in front of starving African orphans. It’s really more like when you are eating a banana, and sometimes there’s that little bit at the bottom of it that you don’t quite pry loose from the peel, so you just toss it rather than getting banana peel gunk on your face going in for the kill.
I can’t be the only one who does this. Is there anyone out there who enjoys eating that cornflake mush? I can’t bring myself to do it, but I should not be vilified for it.