For Good or For Awesome II

Last night, the Brothers Guirk and I accomplished something we had all wanted to do for a long time, and that was see the greatness that is the rock band Ozma in concert.

For a long time, this was not possible, since in 2004 the band split up. But upon hearing of a reunion and a tour to go with it, this dream could once again be dreamed. When a tour date was set for August 6 in Norfolk, it became a very feasible possibility.

This was my second concert I’ve been to, I think. I don’t go to many concerts because the bands I would want to see don’t tour that much, they never come to areas that are close, or I am never near those areas when they do. All that and I can’t stand the annoying trashed concert crowd that is always jumping around everywhere. I guess you can chalk that annoyance up to me not being a very excited person.

Ozma would be opening for the Rentals, some band none of us had heard of and had no intention of staying to see. They were playing down at the Norva, a place I had sworn that I had been to before to see some play company’s production of “Tommy” some years ago. When I got to the building it looked drastically different, and I complained about it for a while until somebody asked me if I was thinking of the Wells Theatre, which was next door and much classier. I realized that that sounded like a good name, and felt dumb about it for a while. But not for long, since Ozma was going to be playing soon!

Or that’s what I thought. Instead they were like a half hour late coming out. I appreciate good music but I appreciate some punctuality too! We never figured out the cause for the delay. Maybe it was to give more people the chance to get there, since the place really wasn’t crowded at all. Oh well.

When they finally got out it was quite a show. I can’t remember the specific set list or order, but I probably could if I tried hard enough but I’m not going to bother since most likely anybody that reads this either won’t know them or won’t care. They didn’t play one of my favorites, “Baseball”, so I was kind of disappointed, but I guess you could only expect but so much from an opening act. They played for about an hour which was a lot longer than we expected them too, and they got most of my favorites out so I can’t complain too much about that.

What I can complain about is our bad luck in finding where to stand. We were next to like the only drunk guy there. Lots of people were drinking, but this fool was the only drunk who couldn’t control himself. He was slamming around, running into people, and acting like an idiot. I gave him a quick jab to the kidney when he shoved into me, and he didn’t seem to notice, so that was kind of fun, since he probably would have owned me in drunken fury. After he ruined “Game Over” by flailing around running into several people, he started yelling to the band onstage with stuff like “I’m sorry that nobody here can appreciate good music!” over and over. Apparently, enjoying music in a civil manner isn’t appreciation. Music appreciation is boozing yourself up to the point where you act like an animal and probably won’t even remember the band you’ve paid to see. I can see where I was wrong.

We left after Ozma finishing up, not caring about the Rentals, but not before finally picking up some “merch” (merchandise). I kept saying that I wanted to “score some sweet Ozma ‘merch’” throughout the whole show and neither of the Guirks believed that people called it “merch”. The time of reckoning came when there was a big sign over the table that said “OZMA MERCH”. I picked up a t-shirt and an unsatisfying poster while McGuirk took about 10 minutes buying a shirt for himself. This was unacceptable since there were only three different shirts to choose from, and he said he wasn’t going to buy the same one I got, narrowing his quandary down to two. After he picked one out he spent far too long debating on whether or not a medium would fit him, since there were no larger sizes in that type. He could have spent those ten minutes driving me home. What a jerk that McGuirk is!

That’s okay, I got him back by littering his car with money. Parking was two dollars so I gave him a five to pay for it, and they gave us three dollars back in quarters for some reason, which I then accidentally dropped all over the car, in those impossible to reach spots like between the front seats and the center console. I didn’t bother getting those out, because I like to feel like McGuirk owes me, and Lord knows he certainly does.

Since I almost forgot to post today, I managed to get this one in. I was supposed to go to Blacksburg for Katie’s wedding tomorrow, but the weather was horrible when we tried to leave so we turned around. Whoops. This is an apology as well as a mandatory entry.

What a waste of time this entry was!

I suppose to end the recent series involving commercials and my feelings on them, I’ll try something a little different for a change, and talk about something I DO like. Yes, I do like things, believe it or not.

My favorite television commercial of all time would have to belong to the United States Marines. Yes, anybody who has seen one will know that they are notorious for being absolutely ridiculous. Recent ones in memory include the man scaling the completely smooth mountain side with no climbing gear until making it to the top, where his spirit then goes into the mountain and he is visible as a marine in the rock. Then there is the one with the diamond being sharpened or shaped or something as the man inside performs grueling physical training tasks until he is the perfect diamond, a United States Marine.

These are all very good and inspiring. I mean, who wouldn’t want to impossibly scale a mountain only to be sucked into the mountain for eternity? Those marines/mountain spirits get mad props for that. But no, my favorite is not among one of these.

It goes much deeper, to the center of the earth. Or maybe some other planet, it’s kind of ambiguous.

Yes, I am talking about the famous Marine Vs the Lava Monster commercial.

It starts off with our brave hero as a man in tattered clothing scaling another mountainous spire-like structure with lava all around him. Once he gets to the top, he traverses a dangerous, rickety rope bridge crossing the lava. He’s almost in the clear, until … A CREATURE MADE OF FEAR AND PURE EVIL RISES FROM THE LAVA BELOW!

Normally such a sight would make even the bravest of men turn and run, but our would-be marine does not falter. He swiftly dodges the monster’s swings and delivers critical blows with his sword until the demon is defeated. Once the foul creature is vanquished, the triumphant warrior lifts his sword into the air, where lightning strikes it causing the electricity to surge down his body, replacing tattered clothing with the clean, distinguished garb of a United States Marine. Wow, talk about a tense 30 seconds of television.

With the marines possessing this kind of might, you have to wonder why there are any conflicts involving the US in the world today. I would not want to get on the bad side of a country who won’t enlist people into their military service until they have defeated an otherworldly creature, or scaled a completely smooth mountain. If such conflict should arise, the marines should be sent in there and suppress the aggression in a matter of seconds. I guess enlistment is drying up due to the lack of lava monsters around to defeat to prove their worth, or maybe that’s just a sign that the marines are doing their job. Have you seen any lava monsters wreaking havoc on your hometown lately? I think not.

Alas, I feel my memory of the details of this commercial getting hazy, but I am confident that I’ll always remember the general idea. I’ve spent quite a while trying to find it on the internet to download but nothing has come up. Other people remember it but it’s just not out there to get. I really want to see this again.

I’ll end this one with a question. What’s your favorite commercial and why?

Okay, that’s two questions. And this is no longer ending on a question. But answer it (them) anyway.

In observance of RMEFFOWN today, I’ve decided to express my feelings on one particular “fast” “food” “restaurant”. This is not an endorsement in any way, and you’ll soon see why.

Man, I hate Hardees. There is nothing about it that I like. I have to pass one at least once a day whenever I drive out somewhere, and I’m always reminded of how much I don’t like it. I shall now organize this rant into a list of enumerated compliants.

1) Horrible service.
My family always used to enjoy going to Hardees, and even as a young lad in my earlier years I couldn’t understand why they never wised up.

Every time we went through the drive-thru, we would inevitably have to go in the “pull-in spot.” You know what I’m talking about. The spot that the drive-thru people tell you to park in because your “fast” food isn’t ready yet.

Now correct me if I’m wrong here, but I thought that the point in utilizing the drive-thru is to get your food quickly so you can stay in your car and keep going. When we had to wait, it was never for any less than 15-20 minutes. When they finally delivered the food they were never apologetic about it and usually acted like we had done something wrong. So in the same amount of time we had to wait in the “drive-thru” to get subpar food we could have gone to a better “casual dining restaurant” and received better treatment and much better food. That’s just a slap in the face!

2) Disgusting food.
After waiting for so long to get it, the food was never any saving grace. The hamburgers were always kinda soggy and the fries were an insult to your taste buds (that is, if you could still taste after that, since they were often blistering hot).

A few summers ago, Hardees introduced their “Six Dollar Burger”, an item they touted in so many words in their usual pretentious fashion as a hamburger of restaurant quality done quickly for only four dollars. Now there’s a fallacy if I ever heard one!

This was around the time when Deric and I worked together at some house down in Virginia Beach. It was quite a long drive, so we took turns driving. He frequently wanted to stop and get one of these hamburgers for dinner on the way back, so one day I was foolish enough to try one for myself to see what all the fuss was about.

Oh, if I could go back and change one moment in my life! The “hamburger” tasted like some kind of bad sausage biscuit soaked in mustard and mayonnaise. Condiments oozed out every time you took a bite, leaving a horrible mess everywhere. Needless to say, we didn’t stop too much when it was my turn to drive to work and back.

And the funny thing is, when you got the Six Dollar Burger Combo to get fries and a drink, it was well over six dollars.

3) Deplorable commercials
I know I complain about a lot of commercials, many of which probably aren’t really that bad, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that Hardees commercials are among the worst commercials ever made.

There are two main categories of Hardees commercials: “Babes eating their food” and “Blue collar slobs usually having some menial conversation about their food”. Both genres of commercials are narrated by some guy who sounds as monotone and uninterested in life as David Schwimmer.

The commercials featuring the “babes” usually star a woman who might be attractive on her own if she wasn’t souring her image by gorging herself on the Hardees food. The commercial that stands out the most in my mind was one that featuring a dame chomping down some kind of chili hamburger. She was getting chili everywhere every time she took an huge bite; chili on her shirt, chili all over the food, everywhere. This was apparently trying to say, “look, this sexy woman is eating this hamburger, if you eat it too, sexy women like this will like you”. Well, this shoddy attempt at using sex appeal to sell a hamburger was horribly delivered and unsuccessful, as the sight of this was simply disgusting. All this managed to accomplish was it made me lose my appetite and question being attracted to women.

The other, more commonly seen genre of Hardees commercial usually features two blue collar, hardworking dudes, enjoying their Hardees food. These are probably more common since very little thought goes into making them. They usually just show two slobs eating a hamburger until one makes an inane comment followed by a dimwitted reply by the other. The most recent one involves two guys caked with paint enjoying their Hardees lunch in silence until one starts eating the cheese stuck to the greasy hamburger wrapper, calling it “cheese paper”. Collin correctly called these guys out, pointing out that Burger King made a commercial discussing “cheese paper” over 10 years ago. Hardees has been acting like they came up with something great and has since made a commercial where aforementioned grease-licking slob explains the concept of “cheese paper” to the audience. Wow, thanks for explaining that incredibly complex concept for me. I was always dumbfounded when I got to the end of my hamburger and found a yellow substance very similar to the cheese I had just eaten still remaining on the wrapper that once contained my food. This commercial is made worse when adapted for the radio, as they have added in many disgusting mouth smacking sounds. I usually have frantically turned to a different station before it gets too far in, so I can’t comment on the rest.

Then there are the commercials that just have some annoying song playing while a guy shakes a cow, but those are pretty disturbing and not worthy of comment.

Okay, I think the one thing I did like about Hardees was the Hardee Star, back when everyone had them on their car antennas. When I went into Hardees to try to get one for myself, they wouldn’t give me one. The Burger King “King” would gladly give me one on a silver platter after I get out of the shower or something. You know, that guy is pretty disturbing too.

PC: Hi, I’m a PC. I’m a stodgy, well-to-do, middle-aged businessman.

MAC: Hey, I’m a Mac. I’m a 20-something hipster, one shade away from a metrosexual.

PC: What’s that you’ve got there?

MAC: Oh this? It’s a slideshow I made of me and my friends playing ultimate frisbee. I even put my favorite Dave Matthews Band songs to it. It was pretty easy, I had all this fun right away.

PC: Oh, that sounds fun… I haven’t had time to make slideshows since I’ve been working on these documents, since I contribute to society.

MAC: Microsoft Word, huh? Um, nice…?

PC: Yeah, I’m sure you think so, since you heavily rely on Microsoft Office now too.

MAC: Whatever you say, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have some more fun by taking out the red-eye on my friends with iPhoto.

PC: Okay, and when I’m done with this work, I’ll kick back and have fun playing one of the hundreds of games available for PC. What’s your favorite game?

MAC: Um, Photoshop?

PC: Not a game.